February 2012
Riley - “You never told me you swam with the dolphins, you never talk to me like you used to, it’s like ever since my hysterectomy you don’t even care about my feelings anymore, all you do is party and do school work…What happened to the old Caley, who told me when she swam with the dolphins?”
Me - “Riley, I hate to say it, but I feel that you’ve become a little sensitive since your hysterectomy if you catch my drift…sometimes your friends won’t tell you every time they swim with dolphins, some things in life you just have to let go of.”
Riley - “Are you trying to call me a whiner? Well you’re the one who needs a snickers, Caley. This goat’s not fainting, you used to tell me everything, especially when you swam with dolphins”
……..
“Sometimes I just sit on the toilet and text you and facebook even after I’m done pooping for like 30 minutes”
Me - “I believe sincerely that your hysterectomy made you more sensitive, and I mean that in the kindest of ways. Don’t get all hussy fussy with me about your anti-fainting goats, Riley, this is a matter of your hormones becoming out of control. I always tell you about I swim with dolphins. I think this has escalated far too much, maybe you’ve just become concerned about the dangers of dolphin rape and the well being of your favorite cousin? I will always be out for your best interest, as well. I appreciate your concern very much, you are such a dear. However, personal hygiene is one of the number one overlooked issues among Americans’ health. And on that note, I believe that you should take a few moments to wipe and stand up from the toilet, because the bacteria from your bunghole lingering for too long could give you a yeast infection that surely you can not afford to have right now, having just had a hysterectomy. I love you, Riley.”
Riley - “The audacity! My personal issues are not just horseshoes to be tossed about on facebook, I bid you adieu, caley. My butthole is very clean, I wash it twice a day and sanitize after every fart, thank you very much”
Me - “I never claimed it t’was not! You have become so touchy since the surgery, Riley, I was simply looking out for your health as you informed me of a 30 minute dwelling on the kamode…”
Riley - “But you’re missing the deeper meaning, that conversation wasn’t about my butthole it was about the bludgeoning of the amelioration of modern society caused by organized religion.”
Me - “Could you please elaborate? I’m terribly sorry, I don’t understand, I am very tired, you see, after an entire day of frolicking with dolphins.”
Riley - “I bid you adieu.”
(via anticapitalist)
Everybody breaks down once in a while.
some people just can’t be pleased
